Relationship are hard, and what is hard about them, i think, is maintaining intimacy while also just going through day to day shit, including wanting everyone to leave you the fuck alone.
I recently ended a 7 year relationship. Intimacy was one of the issues. Physical and emotional. We were just kind of friends, except, she didn’t feel like a friend. I didn’t feel like I could really be myself with her or talk to her about the stuff I was thinking about. She’d always get distracted or something would interrupt and she’d changed the subject. She knew this bothered me, and she felt bad, but we just couldn’t seem to fix it.
As soon as we broke up, my issues with my body came to the forefront like Dracula rising from his coffin. Those are a real barrier for me. Sometimes it is just so much work to get over yourself enough to really be with the other person.
So the body, it’s flaws and uglies, intimacy, sexuality, these are all things I love to explore in my art work, but it is hard. It makes people uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable. No one talks about this stuff anymore. I remember talking about it when I was younger, but as you get older, good lord, you just want some dignity.
Although I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately, and loving it, I have also been cultivating new friendships, and deepening existing ones. I’m daring to really be myself, to talk about the things that are actually on my mind. Why else be friends?
This what I’ve been pondering as I made this pair of watercolor paintings, with some ink. Friendships that lead to love (even with yourself), self acceptance, bodies, intimacy, awkwardness.
